Guilt Chapter 1: Crimen

Three months have passed. Three months and he still hasn't gotten over her lost. It's almost sad really. I didn't realize how close to two had become, how much Van Helsing cared for her. They had only known each other a few days, two weeks at the most, and yet here he is mopping about her death three months later. Not that I'm being vindictive or anything. I cared about Anna too, but he hasn't been himself since her death. It's almost as if the life has been sucked right out of him. In a way, I guess it was.

Van Helsing has never been much of a social creature. He's always had minimal contact with anyone, save the Cardinal and myself, and he's never considered the Cardinal anything more than a business associate, like his boss. Maybe he thinks the same about me. Maybe I'm nothing more than a business partner to him as well, but I like to think that maybe, just maybe I'm the closest thing he has to a friend. I make him sound pathetic don't I? I don't mean to. Lord knows he's not that. He's just never had much use for things like friends, or a social life. Never had much use, or time. Until Anna that is.

He thinks I didn't see it. That I had already left with Igor. We both saw their last few words spoken in this world. He kissed her, it was passionate. I may have only had one experience like that but trust me, I know when someone's serious. Van Helsing was serious about that kiss. I didn't think that there was a chance in hell we'd make it out of the castle alive, but him…he seemed to offer her so much in that kiss. I think he may have even left the service of the order for her, how he would've done that I have no idea, but I bet he was willing to try.

He was willing to offer her a whole new life, but in the end, it was he who ended hers. I had been unable to get across the bridge, it had been destroyed somewhere in the middle. Anna had tried to help me by taking the syringe the rest of the way but the final bride, Aleera, had attacked her. She had been about to bite the princess when I threw the silver stake Van Helsing had told me to use if we were too late. It pierced the vampires heart, my aim had been true. Aleera exploded in a cloud of dust and Anna was free to go on her way. The stake slammed into the stone near my head and I made my way across the bridge; praying that Anna made it to Van Helsing in time.

She did, but it was too late for her. I'm not sure what happened between them before I arrived, Anna must've lunged at him trying to get the syringe into him before the last stroke of midnight. He must've tackled her onto that couch and broken her neck. When I arrived to find him leaning over her, I thought that we had been too late. That what Van Helsing feared had come to pass, that he had become a full werewolf. I didn't want to kill Van Helsing, but if I didn't who knows what damage he would've done. So I pulled the silver stake out of my robes and lunged. My aim was true, I would've struck his heart if he hadn't turned around and grabbed my wrist.

I was never more terrified in my life then in those few seconds. My wrist is still bruised from the tightness of his grip. I thought for sure that he was going to kill me then go after the townspeople. The only solace I had was the fact that the thing that would kill me had once been a friend. He held my wrist even as he turned to face me, and I saw the syringe had been plunged into his chest and that it was empty. I breathed a sigh of relief when he let me go and turned back to Anna. I followed his gaze and found her staring back at me with dead, glassy eyes. It was a traumatizing moment to be sure, finding out she had been killed. Van Helsing took her into his arms and howled in anguish. It was truly a magnificent and sad sight. He turned back into his human form in mid-scream, still clutching the princess to her chest.

We left that morning with her body headed for the sea. She had asked me about the sea before. It was the one thing she had always wanted to see but couldn't, what with her family obligations. Van Helsing decided we would burn her on a pyre, next to the ocean, like the heathen kings of old. It was the least he could do for her after he killed her. So it was that the four of us (only two of us on the side of the living), Van Helsing, Anna, Frankenstein, and I, arrived at the cliffs of the sea. Van Helsing tore apart the carriage we had been using, making a raft for Frankenstein out of half of it and using the other to build the pyre.

I said a eulogy for her, and did her final rites while Van Helsing looked on, stonily. Then he set the pyre on fire and we watched the fire spread. The wind picked up and Van Helsing turned away. At first I thought he couldn't bear to see the woman he had come to love burning, but then I turned away to see if he was alright. It was a glorious sight that I beheld that day on the cliffs. There in the sky above us was Anna, no, it was Anna and all of her relatives. They were coming to thank us for finally allowing them entrance into heaven. It was God's gift to Van Helsing, the chance to say goodbye to her. I don't think he saw it that way though. If he did he wouldn't be the way he is now would he?

He blames himself for her death. He does penance everyday for her death. I don't think he's eaten well in the last three months. He's wasting away, I see it day by day. It's painful to watch. I thought he was stronger than this, smarter than this. He doesn't realize it's not his fault. It's never even occurred to him that it could be anybody else's. He doesn't realize it's actually my fault, I'm the reason Anna died. I was the one who was supposed to get him the antidote. I was the one who was entrusted with the task, but I let myself get distracted by the bridge. If I had been smarter I would've been able to make it across it. If I had just been smarter it would've been me who Van Helsing killed, not her. It should've been me. Maybe that's why I let Anna go.

I'm not a field man, I don't look death in the face every day. I'm a bloody scientist! I shouldn't have been there. It wasn't my place. I'm a coward. I couldn't bring myself to face Van Helsing if I was unable to get the antidote to him on time. I couldn't stand staring him down as he was insane with the bloodlust of the werewolf. I would have frozen to the spot the moment I saw him, snarling in rage, standing over Dracula's dusty remains. He would've killed me and I didn't want to die; so I had let Anna take my place. Oh Lord, was I supposed to have died that day? Is it because of my selfishness that Van Helsing now suffers so? Forgive me, o Lord, for I have sinned. I let an innocent take my place in death. I am Sisyphus. I deserve eternal damnation for what I have done.

Anna, how can you ever forgive me? I let you take my place because I could not face death. It is my fault that you died at the hands of Van Helsing. I'd gladly trade my soul with yours if only to bring you back. It was a mistake, you shouldn't have died, how could I ever make it up to you? It's impossible. You're dead now. Oh Lord, what have I done? How am I ever going to pay for this sin against my friend? Van Helsing will never forgive me.

Then maybe Van Helsing is not to know. No, I can't do that to him. He's blaming himself. At this rate he'll get himself killed, I must put a stop to it. Yes, that is my penance to God, to Anna, to Van Helsing. Let him hate me if he wishes. I would sacrifice our friendship, if only to give him peace from her ghost. It is my duty. I must tell Van Helsing.